~Missing You~

Today I went and did my most of my Christmas shopping for my family and friends. As I was shopping I kept seeing things that I thought, "Oh my goodness my mom would LOVE this for her present. I should totally get it for her." Then I would stop mid thought and realize that I could never buy her another gift. I realized that whenever I was shopping for other people I worry, "Will this person like what I've gotten them or will they just pretend they like it and later say how much they really didn't?" But with my mom I never asked that question. I knew my mom so well that I could walk into a store and pick something and she would LOOOOOVE it!!! We had such a similar taste that I knew if I liked it, she would too.


I miss my mom so much right now it hurts. I miss not being able to get her something and know that she will love it so much. I miss the way she would squeeze me when she hugged me. I miss having a "nich". I miss you telling me I look pretty or that you are proud of me. I miss singing with you. I miss telling you the weird random facts I learn in class. I think you would have liked to learn about Jazz music.

I know we had our fights and you couldn't understand why I was distancing myself in so many ways with you. I just wanted you to call me and talk to me. I wanted you to tell me you were going to do something and then follow thru with it. I wanted you to call me and tell me happy birthday or make plans with me to do something fun. I love you and I just wanted you to BE THERE. Ultimately, I just wanted to have a better relationship with you. One where if I did something wrong you couldn't hang something else over my head. And right when we were starting to get that relationship, you were gone.


I miss you and my heart hurts like crazy. I can't wait for the day that I get to see you perfected.